Thursday, June 25, 2015

Coming to a consensus not just a compromise

Communication is essential in marriage, yet there are ways of communicating that can be more beneficial than others. It is important to talk about your hopes and dreams, and be trusting with each other about your feelings and vulnerability. Communication is essential yet if you only talk about surface topics you will never be able to grow closer. It is also necessary to build trust between each other through deep and meaningful communication. Also when speaking with each other on a difficult topic it is essential to focus on showing love and care for the other person and being careful with your wording as well as your tone and non verbal communications. Most of what we communicate is emphasized through non- verbal communications as well as tone. Therefore it is important to be able to speak in a loving way and show that you truly care, instead of assuming that words will demonstrate your true emotions.

When discussing an issue it is important to strive to truly listen to what the other person is saying and being willing to focus on the issue and speak in a calm manner. Many time disagreements occur because of a miscommunication. Therefore when someone is speaking it is important to focus on understanding what they are saying.

There are many ways of listening, some are more effective than others. For instance if you are speaking with someone it is important to listen with real intent, be sympathetic, and not interrupt them. Sometimes it is really easy to want to offer solutions to every problem someone talks about. However in many cases someone doesn't want solutions, they merely need someone to truly listen and care about the difficulties they are having. A useful tool in communicating is to ask clarifying questions. This can help you understand what they are really trying to say as well as help them to feel that you really care.

When making a decision with your spouse, loved one or friend its important to truly come to a consensus. This means that you both feel good about the decision that has been made. The ways that you can do this is by having counsel meetings together at a time that is convenient for both of you.
1. Start off your meeting by expressing love and appreciation for each other
2. Pray to seek the counsel and assistance of the Lord, and to have the spirit with you so that you feel peace.
3. Discuss both of your feelings in a way that focuses on how you feel (never pointing out faults in what the other person did) example: If your spouse was late coming home instead of pointing out that they were late you can mention that you missed him, worried while he was gone and was relieved that he came home safely. This helps to express your true feelings, which were that you love him and want to spend time with him. Instead of trying to hide your feelings of missing him by showing anger.
4. Close with prayer
5. Have refreshments- this is an enjoyable way to recognize that discussing together is a way to build unity, and therefore can be an enjoyable experience.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Dealing with Crises

Many times in our lives we will go through a difficult situation or crises, either individually or with the family. Sometimes crises can cause a person to become over whelemed and later depressed. yet in many cases there are ways in which of handeling the crises in order to over come it. I will list some of the negative ways people try to deal with crises, and then some positive

Placing blame- Sometimes when dealing with a crisis people try to figure out what the problem was and in doing so victimize someone or try to place blame on someone. This can happen if a lady has a miscarriage and others try to ask her if she wasn't being healthy or over exerted herself. This is a very negative way to deal with crises because it makes the person feel very alone and distraught.

Ignoring- Sometimes in the moment it is useful to try to ignore all the negative impacts that can come from the crises, but this is only effective temporarily. Because in the long term it is important to try to overcome the crises or to talk about your feelings.

Being in denial- Being in denial may help you cope temporarily but just with ignoring it is necessary to come to terms, express your feelings, rely on support and try to move on. This doesn't mean forgetting the pain, it means not letting it run your life.

Focusing on yourself- some people in crises resort to focusing on their own pain and distancing themselves from others who are also suffering. This causes everyone to suffer enormously whereas they could have turned to each other and relied on each other while helping each other through discussing their feelings.

Some positive ways to deal with crises

Draw closer together as a family- Through recognizing the difficulty of the situation and realizing that together the family is stronger, a family can turn to each other in their times of need and give and draw strength from each other.

focus on others- Focusing on others difficulties helps each person to recognize that they aren't the only one suffering and allows everyone to reach other and at the same time to be comforted. It also will help you feel comforted quicker by looking outside of yourself.

Redefining the crises- It can be very beneficial to discuss with your family or to decide to focus on what could have been positive about the experience. Also recognizing that although it is a difficulty that it can be overcome and that it is only temporary.

Trying to over come and move on/taking responsibility- In many cases a crises can be diminished by the way in which you handle the situation. There can be an increase in discussion of what to do to cope with the situation or to over come it.

Turning to the Lord- The Lord through the atonement can help us overcome difficulties. Through prayer we can recognize how much our Heavenly Father loves us and cares for us. This can help us see that sometimes there is a larger plan that He has for us. It can also help us see that the Lord can help us over come it.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Faithfulness in Marriage

Being faithful in marriage is very crucial in having a happy fulfilling eternal marriage. To be faithful includes in thought as well as in action. Many times people believe that to be true in their marriage it simply means to avoid adultery but in reality it includes so much more. This also includes loving your spouse unconditionally, and being supportive and encouraging to them. Sometimes people have difficulties in their marriage and it causes them to want to complain idly to others. This is detrimental because a small issue can build up and seem like a large problem. Also if we are positive and supportive then our spouse should also feel this love and will be more likely to respond positively.
Its also so important to be supportive of our spouse. We should be our spouses best friend and number one support system. Sometimes it can be easy to get into the habit of focusing on ourselves and wanting our needs to be met. Yet in reality a marriage requires that both partners give 100% of themselves to each other, meaning that you would put the other person first. True love would include your desire that the other person's needs are met as well as helping them to feel loved and important.
One of the leaders of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints mentions that "We marry with the understanding that we will give ourselves completely to our spouse and that any divergence is sin. Infidelity is defined as the opposite of faithfulness. We show our faithfulness to God by loving him with all our heart, might, mind, and strength (Doctrine and Covenants 4:2- can be found online). We show fidelity to our spouse in the same ways."

We should love our spouse with all our hearts and treat them as such. As we are told that the first commandment is to love God and then to love our neighbor. We should put God first and then our spouse. They should feel of our love and our devotion at all times. The way we communicate with them should also demonstrate this love. This will build our relationship and as we are showing love and affection to each other this will diminish possibilities of infidelity which usually comes from the feelings of neglect.

Also infidelity isn't only physically, it is also emotional. This includes if people who are married begin to fantasize life with a different person, or if they flirt with someone other than their spouse. Even if it begins in the thoughts it is wrong because the "thought is the father of an act" as said by President Harold B. Lee.

The adversary (Satan) tries to trick us into thinking that an affair would be getting out of the normal routines of life. But in reality it is the opposite. We wont find joy or pleasure but instead experience bitterness and anger because of the guilt that will grow.

No matter the situation we should treat our spouses with love and respect, to help them feel loved and cherished. Meaning we should discuss with them situations, have honest and open communication and never be degrading. Also so we can grow our love we should be willing to forgive quickly and be understanding. Growing the relationship in your marriage will strengthen it so that when there are difficulties that you can turn to your spouse for comfort and love and not outwards.
Chamberlain, Gray, and Reid (2005) write, “Love works and lasts when those involved are committed to their relationship regardless of how they are feeling at the time.

Cohabiting before marriage also leads to higher likelihood of an affair when they are married. Therefore it is crucial to wait until marriage to demonstrate those intimate feelings of love.

The best way to avoid an affair is to prevent it. To take caution and to focus on strengthening the marriage.
"A wise father recounted this story to his sons: Once there were three men each trying to secure a job as a teamster (wagon driver). The freight company only wanted to have the very best drivers for their wagons, so they gave each potential driver a test. The test was to drive a wagon up a steep mountain road where one side of the road was a cliff. The first driver, eager to show his superior skills as a driver, drove the wagon up the road with the wheel of the wagon right on the edge of the cliff. The second driver was even more impressive; with great skill and dexterity he managed to drive the wagon up the road with half the wagon wheel teetering over the edge of the cliff! The third driver was not so talented and drove the wagon as far from the cliff as possible. Who got the job? The third driver, of course. With wagons as well as with marriages, the moral of the story is the same: If our cargo is truly precious (and it is), we will drive our wagon as far from the cliff as possible."

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Adjustments in marriage

Because I am preparing to be married I find it really interesting to learn about how to prepare for marriage and also how to know what aspects to look for in a spouse.
Specifically this week it was interesting to learn about the possible adjustments that are needed in marriage and how to lesson the change. Firstly something that is really important is to be able to really know the person you are marrying. To be best friends with them and learn how to communicate through the challenges of life is so crucial.
Some of the things that should be discussed to help strengthen marriage in the beginning is about the ideals or specific things you are wanting in a marriage.
Sometimes we assume the other person will already know what we want and need but we need to tell them. We can discuss together what we are looking for, this can include who will be taking on the chores, who will work, how to pay for bills, when you will have kids and how you will discipline your kids.
Another thing that is really important is recognizing that there will be adjustments made in marriage.
This first of all is learning to put the other person above ourselves. In marriage we need to be each others best friends.
Also recognize that there will be stresses but that if we can discuss together, then we can work all things out.
Something else really important in preparing for a new baby is to include your husband in the process.
This will connect him to yourself and the baby so he feels that this is a family development.